So at first I said "I'm never blogging again." "Im never writing again." But then I realized how many people I have  already helped in the last month. Its been a month since I started "Eating the food" A month since I realized I had a "problem" and a whirlwind of a month it has been. I've had so many people message me, email me, ask me questions and encourage me. Yesterday my roommate said  "Its really good to see you going back to the gym" I was so exhausted and starved that I didn't work out. I actually haven't lifted in about 8 months. I would lift and then be brain dead and exhausted so I thought I just had to still take a longer break,  because my body still wasn't ready for it..when in all reality I needed to eat the freakin' food. I've upped my calories and added food groups back in that I hadn't been eating for a while, like starchy tubers, all fruit, some nuts, chocolate and peanut butter. I think peanut butter needs to be its own food group, for real. And don't tell me about the mold its grown in, or the fact that its a "legume" or the lectins it has. You aren't the paleo police, and neither am I. Plus I buy organic peanut butter so hush. Im listening to what my body is craving, what I really want to eat. I am basing my meals on REAL food, of protein, healthy fat, veggies, fruit and some  starchy carbs when I want them. I'm over peanut butter.. Im actually pretty sick of peanut butter, and chocolate doesn't even tempt me. Funny how things change once you take the "restraints" off. I don't really flat out walk around saying "Hey, I have an eating disorder that I'm over coming... " It just seems to be brought up at the right time.. Like when about two weeks ago I was sitting outside at work bawling like a baby. Just CRYING. A good friend that I've worked with for the last five years came outside and immediately dropped everything and just hugged me.. Just hugged me. Thats all. I mumbled something about "How I got too far into this whole paleo thing" ...Then she prayed for me. And at that moment thats all I needed. I needed a friend and I needed prayer. My dad has talked me off the cliff I don't know how many times and my mom has just brought the love. If there is one thing about those two is they love like no other. My dad kissed me on the forehead last week and said "I had an extra one of those" and when my mom hugs me I know she's silently praying for me and she always lets me leave the house with her saying "I love you more!" I've gotten texts from certain "paleo" friends saying " Thanks for your advice, I started eating more and I feel way better!" That encourages me way more then anything else.  I've learned to be an open book. Take me or leave me. Im still me. No matter what. None of this has been easy. I've had breakdowns, called into work just so I could go spend the day with my mom. She met me in the driveway, Probably from a motherly sense that she new I was there. I was crying of course, and I said "I can't do it" She said. "Yes. YOU CAN. There is NO other option."  And she is right. There is no other option. I've quit a job and decided not to go to nutrition school. All  these things are part of me healing. Yes, Im still eating a "paleo" type template. But Im not mad at myself for eating oatmeal once in a while before I lift because Im sick of sweet potatoes. Im not going to be mad at myself for going on a date and eating sushi and having a glass of wine..Or two. This is real life. And I have to live it. Sometimes its scary and I freak out. But its a process that I have to go through. I've learned to start loving me for me. I've learned to see people through a different light, through different eyes and through a different heart. I am around SO many beautiful women all day every day. And I have been telling them how amazing they are and how beautiful they are because honestly I don't think they hear it enough. I don't think we hear how beautiful someone thinks we are enough. We hear society telling us we are fat, ugly and stupid. Some of these things may have come from depression or sadness from loosing my best friend to suicide almost two years ago. Some of us "dive" into "other" things to drown our sorrows and maybe thats what happened to me. Im not sure.  This is about health. And health comes from happiness, love and living life. So for now I'm not sure I am going to see a counselor for disordered eating. Like I said, its been a month and a whirlwind of a month that has been. I want to keep living as normal of a life as possible and if I need it, I happen to have an uncle who is also my pastor who used to work with eating disorders.. How convenient (God). Some say I need a neutral party for counseling. Some say I need an anti depressant. But they aren't me, they don't know what I really need until I tell them what I need. My anti depressant is laughing with my roommate, going for walks with my dad and writing. A "neutral" party to me is going to talk about mother earth and father time.. And Im gonna be all "What happened to Jesus Christ?"... I know what I need. And when I don't know anymore thats normally when a break through happens and life changes and I figure it out all over again. I feel like Im learning to walk again, with brand new feet and a brand new heart. For now, Im eating the food. The real food. Im lifting heavy, because I love it. Im starting to "date" again, which I've never been a fan of and yes Im still trying to convince my dad to pick a husband for me. Im pretty sure he would pick a good one! They would probably have to go through an obstacle of changing flat tires, putting furniture together, shooting guns and kissing me on the forehead all while giving a detailed explanation about how amazing I am. Hey, whatever works right? (I'll get an eye roll from my pops for that one!) But I think Im on my own, But don't get me wrong. Im sure I'll have an obstacle course of my own one day.  Im learning a lot about this so called life, and what its all about. So until next time. Ill be around...

X To The O
Sarah

I dont exactly know where to start. Or exactly what to say. To put it gently... I've "broken up with Paleo" Yes, Im still eating "paleo" but I am referring to it as "real food". I will no longer be associated with the word "paleo" I am NOT paleo. Im Sarah Sisk, and I eat real food. This has come after a long four years of struggles. Struggles with my health in all aspects. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I have faced the fact that I have an eating disorder... Yes, you did read that right. And eating disorder. I don't really know how I even realized it. But it just hit me one day. And its been a whirlwind ever since. It was about a week or so ago... I don't even remember at this point.   I don't remember who the first personal I told was. I remember the person who helped me realize it. And her treasure is in heaven. Because obviously it was her will in this life to help me realize it, and that will glorify God. I think she may know who she is but Im not sure. It was a Friday night when I started to realize things and by Saturday night I knew I had a problem. I started typing on my note pad of what I was going to say to my friends and family.. This is what came out......

  So that is what came out. I would edit it and add things for each individual person that I would send it to. I couldn't actually say it out loud so I had to text it or email it to people. Im only about a week into eating all the real food. And to say the least its been the hardest week of my life. Im having panic, anxiety, emotions that I never thought I had. My body is puffy and swollen (which is normal for someone coming out of starvation. Its just water retention) I dont want to be around people at all. Im having a little bit of depression, flu like symptoms, joint pain and fatigue. This is all a part of the process. Low carb and starvation is like the "drug" when you dont do the "drug" anymore you go through withdraw from the "drug" .. typical with draw symptoms I am having. Then you wanna do the "drug" again to make the pain go away. Im still working and trying to go on with real life, but it is hard. I ate a bowl of oatmeal the other morning and then cried my whole way to work. I never thought that this would happen. But it did and I am dealing with it. I know I have to eat the food. really EAT THE FOOD. Physically I can eat, mentally I cant. One thing is, I am sleeping. I want to sleep all the time, but I am sleeping. I promised myself that I wouldn't weigh myself anymore. If I gain a few pounds in order for my body to heal, then so be it. I may feel uncomfortable yes, But genetically my body doesn't want to be 200 pounds, I was super small my whole life, eating whatever the french I wanted until this happened. My body WILL go back to normal once it is healed. And this is a risk I am willing to take. I want to be free from the chains of food, I want to live again. My friends saw it way before me. A friend of mine said " you walk around like a zombie, you have no energy and are starving, I can SEE it, But I knew how passionate you were about your "paleo" so I didn't say anything". Another friend who used to work in the psych ward at a hospital in the eating disorder floor  and who is also paleo, said "I knew you had and eating disorder a long time ago, lets talk in person" Dad said he "saw it" Mom said she "saw it" people saw it. But until I "saw it" Im sure I wouldn't have listened to any of them. 

Im adding more fruit and more sweet potato and more food in general. I never thought I would be to where I had to EAT ALL THE FOOD and be scared of it. But I am. And the fact that I am feeling terrible from it (which is normal, so I dont wanna hear any paleo person say anything about carbs causing inflammation) is really hard too. My friends are being really supportive even if its just to text me and ask how Im doing, or take me to a movie or go rock climbing with me. Its going to be a process and it will take time. But  I am doing it. I went grocery shopping on Sunday. I prayed before I went in, because I had no "list" of what foods were the lowest in carbs or my "fat loss meal plan" I just went in and bought the real food. I spent about an hour in there because I would pick something up and look at it and then put it back down and then go back for it and then put it in the cart. This happened with melon, dried prunes, nuts, grass fed butter ,Chicken thighs, unsweetened dried cherries, watermelon and almond butter. Those are all real food that I had not been eating for a while. Every morning I wake up with anxiety and I cry atleast once through out the day. By the end of the day Im spent and just sleep. I am still moving and walking. I will try to start yoga and a little weight training next week. But my body is healing. I have been reading information and studies about how carbs and sugar can be good for you, can be therapeutic and good for the thyroid and hormone function. Ive been reading about how keto, low carb, etc can be really hard on your metabolism and hormones. Every bit of info that helps me I will read. 

For now I am taking a step back. I am not going to nutrition school in the summer like I planned on. And I am taking a step back from blogging. In the midst of this all I forgot that I actually have hobbies. Yes health and fitness is a hobby of mine, but when I really think about it.. I play the violin, I love to read mystery books, I love doing hair, I love fashion. I love restoring vintage furniture. (Yes mom, we will be doing this for my new place this summer.  I know you're reading) I have an amazing camera, that I never learned to used because I was so caught up in my "illness and nutrition" I love photography. I love going to car shows with my dad and the drag strip with my ridiculously funny, race car smelling, eating all the crappy food  (which I could give a shit about) guy friends. I want to learn to paint on canvas and have been saying it for years. And I also want to eat all the real food and lift all the heavy things and do yoga and kayak and rock climb and hike. I want to play outside and sleep in the sun. Not for weight loss. But because I love it. 

This is not a sickness to be taken lightly and if you feel you know someone who is suffering please help them get help. If you would like to know what book I am reading, what blogs I am reading for some great "no dogma" health advice, what group I belong to on facebook, please feel free to ask me. Dont send me studies of how low carb is better or how sugar is the devil. I will not read it, because I have already read it before. I am breaking free from being suffocated by food. Ill still be around, so if you need me, Im here. But Im hiding and being selfish and working on my self. For once Im not trying to "save the world" and thats okay. I would rather still be alive. Because I was literally starving to death. 

Also, I am doing blood work to check thyroid levels again because they came back low and showed some antibodies. I believe that this will all level out once I start healing. The body can not heal if you don't give it what it NEEDS.
In the last four years I have done.. 


To this day I have done 9 Dietary theories. All "restricting" in some form.

Im embarrassed  Its obvious that I was looking for my  "Cure". When in all reality, I was just starving. Leaving out whole real food groups is not necessary for life, vitality and health. 
Thats all folks. 
Be blessed. 
And remember to tell your "mountain" how big your God is. Not the other way around. 
EAT ALL THE REAL FOOD. MOVE YOUR BODY AND MOVE ON. 
Xoxo
Sarah